Updated: Sep 22, 2018
Submissiveness was not a character trait that came naturally to me. I tried to weave it into the fiber of my being but there always seemed to be that one little string dangling loose. One afternoon in my later teen years my dad and I were arguing, I am not sure what about. We were yelling at each other in front of the big picture window in our house, then he said the words that I have never forgotten, “No man will ever want you with an attitude like that!” I don’t know what happened after that, yet those words have been forever imprinted on my mind. I know that he did not believe those words and said them out of anger, however they devastated me for years. You see I was raised believing that happiness in life was following God, which I hoped meant marrying a good Christian man, being under his leadership and having children.
I learned a lot of things growing up in a very religious household, but the one thing that I did not learn was how to see my true strength. We moved from Central California to Southern Colorado the summer before my 8thgrade year. Somewhere between the Grand Canyon and the Rocky Mountains, my inner strength slowly crawled into a cognitive shoebox and was packed away. I learned in my early teen years that going with the flow (church flow that is), always being the first to help, and being responsible gave me the false sense of happiness I was trying to achieve.
As I have gotten older, that strength which was hidden inside of me as a child has come to the surface of who I am now proud to be. I recently wondered if my strength had only surfaced in the last few years due to the journeys I had taken in the first forty-one years of my life. But a picture of me playing the flute during my elementary band concert came to mind. I remember walking onto the stage, flute in hand and I took my spot at the far end of the front row. Thirty minutes later the concert ended and we walked off stage. My dad made a comment that day and has repeated it many times over the years. He said, “You always stood there with one leg popped out.” The way he said the phrase insinuated that I stood there as if to say; “here I am, I am not going to take shit from anyone.” I believe my dad was proud of me when he made that comment.
When I found myself still single at the age of twenty-nine, dad’s angry words said in front of our big picture window still haunted me. Maybe I wasjust too much. Maybe the strength inside me would cause me to stay single. These thoughts led me to despise my strength even more. I just wasn’t the right fit for any relationship. I believed wholeheartedly that God had created me and he was in charge of my future. I had done all of the right things; I had submitted the best I knew how. That is when I realized I had come to hate God.
But that is exactly what needed to happen. I needed to hate the God I knew. I needed to find my power again and open my eyes to the God of the universe. Just like my inner strength, She had always been there and I needed to fall in love with her.